Nesting Pains

I promise I'm not ready to have kids yet. I'm still very much enjoying the Simple Married Life, which is so full at the moment and getting fuller towards the horizon. So the thought of taking on the responsibility that is motherhood is something I'm just not up to tackling just yet. Plus labor pains. Oh labor pains. How I do not look forward to thee.

But I find myself spending increasing amounts of time thinking about what kind of mother I will be. Will I be strict and over-protective? Will I be haphazard and over-indulgent? Will I be the one my kids come to for advice? Will I be the one they ask for an extra special treat? I quietly observe other mothers with their children, mentally taking notes of what I admire and what I hope to avoid. I peruse blogs of families with their stories of pregnancy, childhood and the sweet things kids say. I'm constructing my little mental nest for my future chicklets, in preparation for what might become.

It's slightly dangerous to do this; dangerous to my emotional well-being because it might be quite a while before we really do have kids. And in my family, the women have a history of miscarriages. I might be prepping myself for a child who will never be. And what if...what if we are one of those couples who cannot conceive? I almost can't believe I wrote that down; a thought too unfathomable I feel I shouldn't have put it in words.

I shudder, try to rid myself of the thought.

And I go back to perusing blogs and imagining all the cupcakes I'll make, the sweet little party ideas. I imagine I'll be the kind of mother who bakes fresh soft chewy cookies, decorates the kids' bedrooms in super-cute creative yet classy ways, and throws birthday parties that look like this.

I imagine I'll be the kind of mother my kids know not to piss off. But I'll also be the one they come to when they skin their first knee, when they lose their first tooth, when they discover a best friend, and when they have their first heartbreak. My husband will be the one they go to when they want to ride their first bike, blow sh*t up, and explore adventure at break-neck speed. He'll teach them the value of independence and self-confidence. I'll teach them the value of family and taking care of one another. Together, we will take our kids to museums and libraries (and probably far-off places) and show them the world.