Don't Give Me No Stinkin' Cheese

Why is it that when you go to a restaurant, it is now nigh impossible to get an average, run-of-the-mill, plain old salad? It's like how a plain old cup o' joe has now become a mocha cappa-frappaccino latte, all soy, hold the whip. It used to be you could always count on there being the staple garden salad. But now it seems the best you can do is maybe a caesar salad, dressing on the side. Everything else is slathered with eggs, chicken, tofu, shrimp or fish, dried fruit, nuts and cheese. Nuts and cheese! On everything! With who-knows-what-kind-of-caloric-content dressing. Why do restaurants feel the need to truss up salads like Little Miss Sunshine contestants?

I mean seriously, who really voluntarily chooses to eat a salad as the main course when there are all manner of amiable delights elsewhere on the menu? Nobody. That's right. Nobody. We only eat salads as a vague attempt at healthy eating. Or to make it look to our dinner companions as though we are trim consumers, when really we go home and nosh ice cream straight from the carton. And wonder how the entire carton of Oreos or bag of Doritos disappeared in one sitting.

But the more restaurants insist upon adding feta, bacon bits and croutons to their salads, the less we can delude ourselves that we're making the smart eating choice. (Or worse, stinky cheese like bleu and gorgonzola. My apologies to the 'zola fans...but bleah. I'll take goat cheese any day of the week, but you won't catch me within a mile of moldy cheese.) Check out the menu at Quizno's and you'll quickly discover some of the salads are heavier in calories and fat than the sandwiches. If that's the case, give me the fucking sandwich.

It shouldn't be so hard to find the healthy choices on a menu. And I reserve my right to eat a salad without any stinky cheese.